For women on their way to becoming rulers of the known universe.

Month: October, 2012

Things to do when you’re stressed out and “on a budget”

As is usually the case, life happens to all of us. Life, I call him Mark (which is my least favorite name, probably because it ends with a K that strikes the back of my throat – an area only engaged on the rare occasion that I find myself puking, Mark).

When Mark happens and you’re on a budget which is just a fancy way of saying you’re broke, I have some ideas that might relieve some of the tweak from your britches.

1)      Call that funny friend. We all have a funny friend, sometimes it may just be your friend who drinks too much and is generally always a little buzzed, but either way, they are funny. Sometimes they are funny without trying to be. Either way, it’s a chance for a quick chuckle, which you’ll notice didn’t cost you a dime. Some may feel that to better manage Mark, you must find someone having a worse time of it and then leave the call feeling relieved, this will not help and frankly is an amateur mistake. When you call a Debbie Downer, you will get sucked into their Markness and usually stuck on the phone for at least 40 minutes hearing about how bad their Mark is. DO NOT CALL DEBBIE, call the drunk!

2)      IF you have a job and it’s a Monday or a Friday, call in sick. Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. But if you call in sick, don’t end up in the following places:

  1. On the local news, even just walking by one of those reporters could get you fired as you will no doubt end up on the evening news and will be spotted by your least favorite co-worker and then the jig is up.
  2. DON’T go to your favorite Thai lunch spot, because that would be near your job dumbass.
  3. Don’t get arrested. That’s more a general don’t but also applies here.

3)      If you are within two hours of a coastline, go to the beach. Nothing can enhance your mood like the ocean and beyond gas money to get there, it’s free! If you are landlocked find a state park, pack provisions and go for a walk – I hate to call them hikes because that just sounds too intense. Bring a book and just sit outside and let the sun give you free vitamin D.

4)      If it’s winter and it’s too cold to go outside OR if you hate it outside go to the movies (sneak in your own popcorn, drink and candy. If there’s nothing playing that you want to see – which is usually the case – check to see if your community is sponsoring any free concerts. If they are not, check in with a local university to see if they have any plays or concerts going on and while they may not be professional quality, free beats perfection any day. If nothing is going on where you live, drive to someplace that has something going on, even just a poetry reading – which should be free, because it just should be.

5)      While you’re out, pick up some fresh vegetables and maybe an ingredient that you aren’t overly familiar with, maybe a new spice. Try to make a new dish one that is unfamiliar to you. There are thousands of free recipes online to choose from.

6)      When you come home, put on some music from a different time period or culture. Make it a theme night. Since you can’t jet off to Rome, put on some Italian opera music and make an Italian dish from scratch.

7)      Change the lighting around in your house, there’s nothing more renewing than entering a new space, so refresh your surroundings. Move things around, change your comforter cover and maybe light some candles.

8)       I think the TV should be completely off limits. It’s a distraction and it can ruin the experience and it’s also a part of many people’s daily routine and since this is supposed to be a sort of mental vacation, turn the tube off.

9)      IF you have a bathtub run the water, put some bubbles in there, if you’re a dude, bubbles are ok for you too. Soak. Bring your music into the bathroom with you but don’t put the radio directly over your bathtub or else you might end up on a permanent vacation.

10)   If you have no bathtub, put on some super relaxing music and lay on your back in a room that you do not use very often. Focus on your breathing and imagining the life that you want. Don’t limit yourself. Seriously, take your mind on a journey. Imaging living in the place you will feel most content, perhaps it’s a little fishing town in Spain, maybe Detroit, probably not Detroit, wherever it is, put yourself there. Imagine feeling excited to slap your feet down on the floor first thing in the morning and going off to do the thing that most energizes you. What is that thing? Imagine being surrounded by people that bring positivity to your life and do not drain your resources. I am basically asking you to craft a new Mark for yourself. When you are done. Write down what you saw. Put this on your refrigerator and begin to build a plan to get there.

11)   Once you’ve done that and your back is sufficiently stiff, get your ass to bed since you can’t call in sick two days in row!

The whole point of this de-tweaking plan is to get you out of your head and into a different space. Once the location has changed then it’s important to take a look at what’s going on in your head, peeling back the layers to determine what you want. Chances are you are tweaked because you are not living the life you want. People tend to use vacations as a tool to achieve this, but in a difficult economy many, many people cannot afford to take the time off to take a vacation, or simply don’t have the disposable income to do so. What I’ve offered above is a way to game the system and take a free vacation, if only for the day. Good luck.

@BrandonNKelly, http://www.WhyWomenAre.com


I’ve Got Binders Full of Women and My Momma Ain’t Home!

But I love my family and my God. And I’m too important to go to Vietnam, my dad told me. And he was right. I worked hard.  I did. Got two degrees, didn’t really even need the one with his connections but I knew better. It would be easier to disregard me without them. And I had her at my side; the strong jaw, the immigrant’s daughter, the origin of their tongue long gone, washed away with the tide of the American tongue and obscured with time, American now. Soon there were sons, then more bounty.


But I had a secret. If they nick me they will see it, the void. My father fills it most days. Long gone as he is, he is still in my memory bay, plain as day, and stern as ever. I love him. I want to be him. I know the steps. I practiced his stance, his smile, his carriage in the mirror as a boy. As a man now I remember. But at times, when I forget, when the system overloads the other appears, the one who forgets names and boundaries and that his station is a station occupied by the few and not the many. My beach house must grow. I don’t care about the neighbor’s view. They have no power for they have not sought it out, not rooted it out of the Earth like a dog in search of truffles; that rare pleasure, power. But I have.

How dare she ask me a question like that? I told her “No”. Maybe that wasn’t right to do, but when he starts I can’t always stop him. I can’t always hold him back and remind him that the station his father bought him and that he has worked to keep and grow is a privilege. But he yearns so. He feels his yearning around his neck and beneath his tie which constricts him just near the pulse. That’s when I can’t stop it. I just can’t stop it. You know he’s got a lot of gall that one tonight. He showed no fear. Doesn’t he know who I am? I bet he wouldn’t be so composed with me alone in a conference room. I forget things sometimes, like my faith. There was that kid in school that they keep bringing up, the kid whose hair we cut. Ok, I cut. So what? He was a wimp. And that’s what happens to wimps. They get it every time. My dad taught me that. He taught me to be strong. He made me that way. He mined the steel that built my legs. He divined the sheath that is now my skin. My father made me. He made me in his image. Are we not all just a reflection of someone?


But at times, I get stuck. They forget that I need oil, since it has to be done in private. I’m not proud of this flaw, this defect. Why do you think she only has boys? That is no accident. When I am serviced regularly as outlined in the manual, everything works out. But when they forget when the reporters are too close and we can’t apply maintenance…it’s not fair. They have no idea how hard it is to keep me running. But there are enough people with enough money invested in me to do so. Not all of them know. Sometimes I forget to sleep. People talk about sleep a lot. I’ve learned what to say but even now I almost chuckle at them, what a flaw in their systems….sleep. What did Shakespeare say about it, oh I forget. You see how I can forget?

I knew not to say “binders full of women” but HE wanted me to. He has a need to be in charge. That woman moderator made me say it. How dare she cut me off! Born from that frustration was the binder comment. You wonder if I think women are equals. I don’t really care either way, I don’t have any female children. My wife is of a different era and is content. So no I don’t care. I know I shouldn’t say that but this is just for my eyes only so it’s ok. I don’t care about the 47% and I don’t care about women, though I love my wife very much, they tell me that is apparent. I am glad I didn’t have to compete with them when I was working. They would have found me out.