Kim Kardashian: Mother of the Year!

by brandonnkelly

I am not from Los Angeles nor am I wrapped up in that Hollywood hullabaloo. I do not idolize anyone other than my accountant and maybe some dead jazz artists and also Lena Horne, beyond those people I do not care nor do I spend money or time following their trips or trends or sex tapes. At the apex of this bizarro universe is Kim Kardashian. I do not know Kim, all that I have observed from her photographs is that she has pretty looking hair, a big ass and knows how to pose really well. Kim is after all, second only to J. Lo as the woman who legitimized (within the mainstream) gigantic asses. I may have seen a snippet of her sex tape and perhaps by so doing I have also surmised that she likes sex. Good for her I say! I perhaps wouldn’t have filmed myself and sold the rights of this footage to anyone, but hey it’s America right? I am not sure how she’s going to hide the tape from her child but maybe Kanye can figure that out, he’s a genius right?

Anyway, I believe anyone who is writing about someone should at least be able to claim that they were in the room with the person for a period of time; fortunately I can make this claim.  Kim and I have shared a space twice, both times at concerts. Once at Prince, yes that Prince concert where she got up on stage and attempted to keep up with him, and did not do so very well. But honestly, who could really? In my bones I know that I would have tried but I probably would have been so star stuck that I would have completely lost my shit too, so no judgment there. I saw her again at a Beyonce concert, and yes, Beyonce sang at the concert, the entire concert actually and well. Anyway, at the Beyonce concert she was in Beyonce’s inner circle section and there were a lot of photos being taken of her, again, maybe that’s where all that posing comes in handy. So, Kim, a high school grad with no additional education, is at the epicenter of this new brand of show business and has taken the beast by the horns and slayed it. There are many people who envy Kim’s success; success in this equation meaning (endorsement deals, press, fame and of course money). So why with all of her showy LA “success” do I think Kim Kardashian is going to be a great mother? I mean this is a woman with limited education, a sex tape (that is still available for download) and two failed marriages under her belt why pick her? Because, while Kim may flaunt her face and other assets, today, while she’s preggers she’s keeping her pregnancy private. This is the line in the sand that she has not crossed for the benefit of her brand; an approach which runs contrary to all of her other maneuverings; reality shows, televised weddings, and televised break ups. But now, when it comes to her prospective spawn Kim has said “no thank you” to the glaring eye of the media. Bravo, I say.

But what’s so telling is that the one thing that makes Kim Kardashian go into protect mode flips the completely opposite switch for most of the women that I know. Women who shy away from group photos, women who have never posed for one of those cheesy sexed up photos at the mall, women who gather a cover up (even when in shape) for any photo taken at the beach. These same women, women who occupy as I said the “Real world” completely lose their shit and turn into their own brand of fame whores at the first sight of a rounded belly bulge. These women Facebook about ironing their babies three-month old clothes while they are in their second tri-mester and for the love of God all of those belly shots and “I can’t believe I’m already so big and it’s only been two months!” The sharing of this specific brand of intimacy is perverse.  Maybe it’s just a Facebook trend but I doubt it. It’s baby as status symbol. Like the thick gold chains the early rappers wore around their necks to show their street cred, babies are the new hood ornament. Maybe this isn’t new. Maybe it’s just that with all of the social media touch points out there you can’t help but be bombarded by these images and postings.

While Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy has made her go into “protect mode” why have all of the other mere mortals out there gone in the complete opposite direction. Is it that the baby bump is a visible sign that makes them stand out? Is it that they glow? This is all great and I am happy for people who want to get and be pregnant. But what is most upsetting to me is the vanity play. Is pregnancy everyone else’s Kim Kardashian moment in the sun? There I said it. HEY LOOK AT ME I’M PREGNANT! To which I think so what? I had sex this morning only unlike you I didn’t get knocked up, winning! Since when is getting pregnant considered an accomplishment? You didn’t exactly do anything special, you just allowed yourself to get pregnant during sex. So in a sick way are you celebrating your sex life? Isn’t that supposed to be private?

Unlike these women who flaunt their baby bumps and go on for days and days about the prospective arrival of their spawn, Kim is – perhaps for the first time in her entire life – keeping mum. Can we as a society take the hint from one of the biggest reality stars in the world and cease advertising our pregnancies and our children and our nurseries? Can we keep our domestic lives private? Can we protect our children from the onslaught of this new perverse culture of voyeurism? In a world where our mishaps can go viral and where our malapropos can stick and forever chisel away at our hard earned reputations; running in an endless loop for all to see and relay and repost. In this new world where every bad date is archived, where there now exists revenge porn, where every wrong turn is illuminated, it is our duty to protect our offspring until the very last moment. But how can you protect them if they’ve already been outed to the world before they were even born? What chance do they have of creating a private life for themselves when you have already outed them in utero? I commend Kim for deciding to keep her pregnancy under wraps, at least as of 1/30/13 which is when I am writing this piece.

I can’t help but think back to the “before times” where there used to be some discretion about this whole baby game and for good reason. You know why? Because the baby game is a messy business. Shit happens to pregnant women (between 10% – 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage), shit happens to unborn wanted children, things happen to women during childbirth (poor Sybil), things can happen to children the day after they are born, things can happen to children a week after they are born. So traditionally you don’t count your eggs – sorry for the pun – but you don’t count your eggs before they are hatched.

So I beg of you, follow Kim’s lead and take down your baby bump photos from Facebook, take down pictures of your kids too. It is your job to protect your children and not parade them around like little circus freaks or glorified mini-you’s. They are there to be protected.  You do know that monsters use computers and find their prey online.  You are their parents. Don’t post about their wrongdoings, don’t post about their successes, and leave them out of your vanity play. They are powerless in this decision. While the future most undoubtedly will consist of future Kardashians running around with their own TV shows, clothing lines and DVD’s, the rest of us mere mortals need to tread lightly. We won’t have the same protections as a multi-millionaire when it comes time to enter college and get hired by a multi-national corporation. Our histories will not be erased. Those imprints will be there forever. Your side comment about your babies behavioral problem will be misconstrued and will remain in the ether and unlike Kim Kardashian will not continue to rake in millions of dollars long after she has closed down her reality TV shows and sold off her clothing lines and DVD licenses. You are giving it all away and for free no less. While I admire Kim for keeping mum about her baby, there’s still a good chance that she will be coerced to publish photos of her newborn but if that happens trust me when I tell you she ain’t giving them away in a free Facebook posting. Kim and her progeny will be just fine it’s the rest of us that I’m worried about.

@BrandonNKelly, www.,